vivadiva

Yay!

2011-10-24T11:44:00.001+08:00

The absence of words, lapses, and the periods of brevity says more than words in itself.Ah, love me some cryptic nothings ;D

No seriously. I guess what i wanna say is after subjecting your heart to be sat and locked in for a ride, you do get your ticket's worth of the ultimate ups and the lows. It was brutal at some points. But the troughs become lessons to be appreciated upon in the tides of riding the crest. I can say this with glee after having sat through this hurling experience. But damn, it was good at hindsight. You do live life more authentically and emotionally dangerously.

And i realized my heart can't be tamed :D

Till then, i'll be loyal 2.1.

Dam, why is this so addictive?! Boss was talking to me, couldn't concentrate, whilst this bon bon thang like a melody in my head that i can't keep out...got me singing like nananna everyday....like my ipod's stuck on replay. Replay?!

Epiphany :D

2011-01-19T21:11:00.002+08:00

People, in general are like careless travellors in an airport.
You go to several locations, and it seems that no matter where you transit, no matter how you psych yourself not to leave anything behind, but still, cannot help leaving a little of yourself at some unexpected corners.

Sometimes we can go back and pick it up, sometimes it gets lost...and in the second instance, what is left may be a stamp right on the pages of the memory which speaks history of the footprints. That is why the stamp is a reminder of a happy point. A delirious throwback. You can see it in either way. Holy cow, the blasphemous uncertainty!, or relish on the upcoming happy points to fill those empty pages. It's but a sketch in the mind.

Maybe if you are lucky, you may get to meet someone who shouts and pouts just the way only you will understand. Maybe that person was there to be your Perfect Default.

Careless Whisper

2011-01-09T23:26:00.002+08:00

The most raucous of surroundings could not drown your voice.
Oh those heart strings you pull.
You did not come to my senses --- these hundreds of days.
Like a dream you came, in a dream i fled, in a dream you chased.
In my nightmare i left.
Facetious and wildly beyond.
Surmounting recesses.

I did not come to my senses.

2010-12-27T11:39:00.000+08:00

I keep thinking how this will sound like on the violin.
There's so much time, to figure out the rest in my life.
And i've figured out.

周杰倫 - 珊瑚海

2010-12-14T21:38:00.000+08:00

Jet-lagged and then some

2010-12-06T13:58:00.005+08:00

It's been exactly a day since i'm back from Fantasy Land and am severely jet-lagged.

Somewhere in the recesses of the mind am I still dreaming away...on the ski slopes.
That waffle cafe tucked away in the busy street, that dreamy street with that dempsy-esque vibe (only more dreamier), cable car tower, cafe mocha on the go, the snow flakes that landed in the eyes, snowboarding butt cramps maybe, dancing to our FAVE, reggae dancehall music in the middle of nowhere.... The heel toe heel toe madness, LOL.

Shite. Feels like a toasted marshmellow gone all soft and wasted.

Love, Pride, Deep fried chicken (maybeebs!) :D

2010-11-18T00:23:00.005+08:00

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?
Head back to the milky way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find.

1/4 life

2010-09-27T21:46:00.004+08:00

Thanks for everything that has made this day memorable, thrilling, warmed the cockles of my heart....

smooches aplenty, butt-squeezes too many ;)

Meaning

2010-09-22T10:47:00.005+08:00

I used to think that the beauty of a great workout is that one gets to enjoy a tight butt, toned legs, and a slamming body. It was at a point of time, the top priority in Life. And frankly very self-absorbed.

The superficial aspect started to wane and in its place took achievements. Of the grey matter. Like a shake up of the kaleidoscope, a different worldview and pattern formed. A lot of adjustments went into it. Mainly getting used to the new scheme of things. Getting doughy, (pretty unfortch) was one dire consequence.

I reasoned that one cannot pursue superficial aspects and grey matter within the same frame of Time, as both aint subsets of the same function of a worldview.

Now. A renaissance if you will, I've taken a keen interest towards exercising. It has however, take on a different tenet. Although it sounds like a tall order indeed, getting doughy to whipped. And i will do it. It's fuelled by a different impetus. I like the meaning of pushing beyond the self-imposed limiting thoughts and really busting that ceiling till it becomes a platform instead. It becomes a way of Life. To bust through, suck it up, commit and see through things. Beyond that tight arse, there's a more nuanced meaning. It's a tight mental attitude that literally carries through. It is a workout of the mind. Nobody has complained about owning a tight butt anyways.

Saturation Point

2009-08-21T16:31:00.002+08:00

Reality is malleable. Same goes for saturation points.

Trudgin' on :)

Which.

2009-07-29T03:02:00.001+08:00

Open doors or high fences?

High fences, ftw.

We'll save naivete for a sunnier day.

In His Time

2009-07-02T14:12:00.003+08:00

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."

This verse of Habbakuk 2:3 sits very well with me in times of "spiritual haziness".
Wait on the Lord.

Fence Squatting

2009-06-22T00:17:00.002+08:00

Like how my usual prayer goes, "Lord, if this was meant to be Your Will, please let me succeed tremedously so i know its from You. If it's not, please let me fail terribly, so i will also know its from You."

It's with trepidition that i'm moving along. The outcome will present itself soon, and the wait is a greater psyche-buster than the outcome.

Tonight my prayer will be.."Lord, please grant me a strong and resilient heart. And a well-rested night."

Till later!

A Streak of Shakiness

2009-06-14T00:07:00.002+08:00

Here's Hi to the few people who read this blog. I haven't came here for sometime, it was a couple of years ago since i wrote about anything vaguely relevant to real life. It was random snippets, or at its best, piecemeal.

2 reasons why so...As i grow older, i look at some of my past entries, and actually feel both a disjointment from past to present. I plead not guilty to schizophrenic tendencies, rather change as a function of time and experience. I believe most can relate to that. Hardly feel like a "vivadiva" anymore. It was an extension of personality then, but not now.

Second, must be pretty obnoxious to think that my mundane musings are substantial enough to take up people's reading time and bandwidth. They must at least be useful to others. I'll vouch not for its educational value, haha.

Reason why i'm here...Just to verbalize encouragement to a friend.

Hey Girl,

I know you are hurting because all the effort you have ploughed in has not reaped its rewards. You feel that your unconditional trust has been slighted by someone undeserving. Pls do not torment yourself with circular thoughts of disdain. Negativity only heads south. Yes, it burns, those scathing remarks, it continues to haunt you even as you try to disown them.

But, slowly and surely, you MUST believe that you can get over this. There is no way around it. You can over this hurdle. Trust in Him and yourself in that. Our worth and confidence should not be anchored on a person's dictation. Nor should he/she become a heuristic example of what we think of ourselves.

Look towards the light, always, everytime. Shite happens. Shite happens to everyone. It is not meritocratic ok. I'll be with you! Stay upbeat! :D

in case you forget, you can come back to this page :)

Men usually perform better than Women

2009-04-20T12:06:00.009+08:00

Ahem, in work.

Nothing sexist, just categorically speaking.

It's worth a thought why so...
1) Males are more focused or one-tracked mind. Whichever side you take. Emotions and factual thoughts are on 2 complete highroads. Women on the other hand, are less focused, or spaghetti-brained. Again, whichever side you take.

2) Women have throw their career under the bus once family comes into the picture. Following closely under the bus is the whole jing- gang : self-actualization, esteem, ego, "security", independence. (*list is not exhaustive)

Thats why mothers deserve all the respect. I shudder at every possibility of the "under-the-bus" stuff. I guess only Love can make women willingly roll themselves under the bus and absolutely Lovin' It!

(strangely, as i type this post, the word "women" keep recurring as either woe or mean. Reckon it has nothing to do wih the subconscious, of either a woeful situation or mean consequences that await.)

Very sad :(

Emotional backlash.

2009-04-06T01:08:00.002+08:00

"Rather intensely poignant then flaccid indifference."

Asking for trouble?

Well, maybe.

To pick battles

2009-03-19T18:27:00.001+08:00

Why fight gravity and contest friction.

Totally Over-reacted

2009-03-09T02:04:00.001+08:00

Dayum! Did the above and is completely embarrassed.

Polarity

2009-03-05T01:49:00.002+08:00

No news is good news:

Theory aint applying to the indifferent.
But its darn true to the doctor's.
I would chug apples to wish this away. :(

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

2009-02-05T21:15:00.000+08:00

SKorean granny fails driving test 771 times

SEOUL (AFP) - - A dogged South Korean grandmother has failed her driving test 771 times, police said Thursday, but a local newspaper reported she will keep trying.

The 68-year-old, identified only by her last name Cha, has taken the test almost every working day since 2005 in the southwestern city of Jeonju. She failed again Monday for the 771st time.

"It was a record-breaking number here," Choi Yong-Cheol, a police sergeant supervising the test in the city's Deokjingu district, told AFP.
"I wonder if she will try it again for a 772nd time."

The Korea Times said Cha will in fact be back for another attempt.
Choi said that Cha cannot pass the preliminary written section of the test, averaging scores of 30-50 whereas the pass mark is 60 out of 100.
Local media said that Cha sells food and household items door to door at apartment complexes, carrying the items in a handcart, but wants to get a car for her business.

Police estimate she has spent almost five million won (3,600 dollars) to take the written test, with each test costing 6,000 won in addition to other expenses.

"I feel sorry every time I see Cha fail. When she passes, I'll make a commemorative tablet myself and give it to her," one officer was quoted as saying.

A Little Different - Such a understatement :D

2009-01-27T03:24:00.003+08:00

And so we have bounced through the first day's festive. Love's in the air! This year's the first for my little-est cousin who is amazingly adorable for a 8 month old. She has everyone coo-ing in her face, making silly faces to tease the Lil' Princess for a smile. She is one of the prettiest baby i've seen. My best friend, Sb, is getting hitched at the end of the year, and I'm so happy for you that you've been blessed with a great guy. And lucky for Wilson to have you also. Esther, is getting married also at the end of the year, congrats!! Its really sweet.

Guess what? I reckoned questions on "where is your boyfriend", "when are you getting married", and the likes will debut this year. True enough! It did. So spot on, its ridic! :D Of which i always give a lame-beyond-words reply, "Yes, end of the year." "I just don't know which year". Sometimes, the ball gets caught, sometimes the ball drops midway in conversation. Of which, it did today. And I overheard the aunt seeking confirmation from my Mum if INDEED i was getting married at the end of the year.

This is hilarious. How about you do the ultimate SG proposal of HDB flat application? Even that takes 3 years right...hee hee..someday someday la. :)

Don't exactly live Life in your terms

2009-01-23T02:09:00.004+08:00

Success has a way of building up a fallacy in infallibility.
Replicated success feels the Ego into The State of Hubris.

Exactly. If you think you're the Best, better be prepared to get Worse

Read the papers today and saw depressing figures of SG's GDP growth falling to the negative territory. Virtually unheard of, in SG's terms. Just about a yr back, the papers were heralding about the solid economic fundamentals and the lustre of the IR. Now, its situation reverse. Apparently, services makes up 70% of SG's economy, and the sector is shrinking, which was a factor causing the regression.

BUT! Interestingly enough, financial services wasnt the services sinker. It did pretty decent, about 7% year on year. It was hotel, restaurants that was lacklustre. In fact, it was the most grim. The IR has been hailed as one of SG's concoction of economic "formulaic potential success". Never mind the controversy, how it may weaken the moral fibre of the country, vis-a-vis the lucrative economic potential.

Is it hubris? Well, i don't know. I believe the reason why SG thrived so much relative to our neighbours, it because the country's work ethics on the whole, are built on sound foundations, and morally upright. Face it, we are blessed. Blessed beyond words. Everytime i meet a PR, he/she will ask me if im Sporean, and proceed to say that indeed i'm very blessed. Definitely, i nod to that. How is it then we are spared from the tsunami, when others have their homes wrecked, families splitted, and not a ounce of water spilled more than it should on our shores. This is not luck.

Again, is it hubris? I'm worried really. Seems that whilst SG has become more cosmopolitan, seems that everything else has also become more homogenous, and relenting. Perimeters, constantly pushed back, all in the name of open-arms inclusion. I seriously hope and pray that whatever the Govt leaders implement, it's with the awareness of moral consequence.

Cause problem comes when one thinks that he is too good too fail. And that self-indulgence slackens the conscience into thinking like one's always on top of things. That thought is so not true. Bottomline, Count blessings and attribute it to Above.

The break of dawn to 2009

2009-01-07T20:18:00.003+08:00

You know how it is for exercising, gain is not present unless you pay dues, first, in the form of pain.

Future gain, i hope you are somewhere out there, may not see you now, but i certainly hope you're not far away. :)

Give and Take

2008-12-28T20:45:00.002+08:00

The best thing about growing up, is knowing yourself better, how to relate to others better, how to handle situations better. This translates to more assuredness within. Well, i was happy, it was all good, till i spotted a wrinkle at the corner of the eye.

Grr. You win some, lose some?

Don't recognize you.

2008-12-13T05:51:00.003+08:00

Oft mistaken, vulnerability and weakness.

Vulnerability is susceptibility. Have one's guard down.
Weakness is a deficiency.
The former is a voluntary gesture to open up, despite knowing the risks of possibly getting hurt.
The latter is the involuntary companion to its feeble host.

Goodness' sake we need vulnerability to be human.

Steps to support a team in Ne.mation III

2008-11-30T14:36:00.005+08:00

Chun wai is taking part in Ne.mation III, design competition.

Would appreciate if you could plonk a vote down for this little boy.

Steps: (snitched from http://artreallyrocks.blogspot.com/)

1) Go to http://www.nemation.sg/

2) Register as a member

3) Select a team to support

.HAHA, please support team njc design clubbb....yayyyy thankss

Top 10 grp shot.

that's CW

Thinking Aloud

2008-10-18T03:05:00.005+08:00

Today is a bad day. Bad because there are problems to deal with and there are no available options to take on, without shouldering on the undesired opportunity costs. (one of the 2 economic theories that i dislike. The other being law of diminishing marginal utility, and how it relates to unsatisfactory Swensons' topless 5, when it turns into coloured soup. )

These days problems get really challenging to deal with. As a child, problems are relatively easier to handle. Because it's usually something quantitative. Like how my brother "really really" wants to play so bad for 30mins, and wants not to study 30mins so much badder. I mean, by all means go ahead. When things start to take on emotional tones, it gets harder to deal with. Sometimes going either ways means hurting A, to placate B, or agonizing C for the benefit of D & E. Sitting on the fence doesnt work also. And in my colleague's words "when you choose not to doing anything, you are making a stand". Oh boy, so annoying.

Otherwise we can have:

1) The "see-how-it-goes" method.
Otherwise referred as the by-the-way thing. After some failed attempts, i learned that this default mode leads to much passive-aggressive thoughts. Its a periodic downward spiral that is very frustrating, as it doesn't solve the problem. It leaves the problem a free rein to fraternize with many random variables. In the end, the problem is NOT solved.
- BAD recourse.

2) The (self) Denial
My favourite. This is actually really therapeutic. But dissipates after 40 winks.

3) The Pros & Cons Mindmapper
Why it is good - Love the way that it is so logical. Label each action with an adjective. Fuss-free
Why it is bad - Try labelling emotions involved with even more adjectives to describe that. An emotion "sad" degenerates to a mind numbing use of superlatives: from "very sad", to "very very sad" to "very very very sad". Perpetually Pointless.

4) Shave a mountain to a molehill
Smaller perspectives make it easier to deal with the problem on a logical and is less emotionally straining. Like how your digestive system works. Props to that.

5) Pray & leave it in His Hands
Afterall, who is the Only that can see beyond the horizon?

Best problem solving way:
4) Panic little, fret not. Minimize mountains to smaller-than-life perspectives. As my Mum always say "You have to live through a day. Either you can choose to live a day feeling really crummy, or you can choose to live a day feeling really happy." Food for thought. 5) Pray and entrust all problems to Him. He is never changing, ever knowing. Who else can possibly know better?

The mere recount of these blogged out words has inherently made me feel so much calmer and stronger to deal with tomorrow. Afterall, each problem, once overcomed, helps us see better within ourselves, better in terms of our perspective and attitudes towards Life. Let nothing demolish the wide-eyed innocence and eagerness from childhood. Let not age be a excuse for cynicism.

Sweet dreams!

Priorities

2008-10-05T02:32:00.007+08:00

Made a career progression out of my comfort zone, right on to the passion zone. Very extremely satisfied with that. After soaking in the financial advisory industry, finally its time to find a concentration in here. "Progression" because personally, it's a lot of grit and emotional resiliency to ride through. It's tough to describe the emotional undercurrents, simply cause its so embedded within, and super subjective from person to person. Anyways, it must be that my growing up years was lagi smooth, that makes current work demands and schedules, a major pant. Past problems look really trivial at hindsight. Worrying about assignment deadlines, things like that. But then again, it oft happens that people proclaim their smarts against hindsight. I guess in a decade's time, i'll probably look back on current issues in amusement.

In any sense, being confident/self-assured is as equally important, if not more than just being competent. EQ being more relatable and appreciated than IQ. Positivity beats cynicism. These i try my best to tell CW. But i got no idea how much of a percentage, is internalized by the little brother.

In my spiritual walk, I've been feeling a dearth, disconnected, disjointed. It's obviously a misguided priorities on my part that even the fixed slot for Quiet time has been shuffled about to fit work schedules. This is bad.

Perspectives

2008-07-12T21:19:00.010+08:00

Perspectives help us deconstruct the present and position the psyche to manage the future.

A postive psyche brings hope, enthusiasm and the likes. Spring to the soul. A negative psyche gnaws relentlessly at the being. I guess 2 months ago was the "abyss" of that emotional weather that i was going through. At hindsight, it was a period of petty frustration. And it was unnecessary, it was essentially a problem that can be solved and talked over. Anyways, i've dusted, and ready to move.

Work. Maturation process; can't agree more. As Esther puts it, to feel "grown a lot older in 1 year". Best things first. The good side of it is more awareness of the environment. Experience is also good, it heightens efficiency. With longer exposure, it helps in seeing meaning in the work we are doing. Meaning is very important as it anchors the belief and passion towards what we do. Without that belief and the passion, it's hard to excel. Afterall, its emotions that sets motions.

The not-so-good side. Cynism / guardedness /self-centredness. Trust is the foundation of all relationships and the absense of it makes people really jumpy. As a company, a branch, a department, a team, there has to be an alignment in the belief system and the objectives. And it has to be a group movement towards the goal. Sometimes i just don't understand all that gossiping and snide remarks. It is as useful as throwing water into the sea. Step back and ponder, the world we have is all but decades. Fill it with joy, it has no time for angst. Chill :)

I've taken a quatum leap of faith at work and confided in Sb about it. She was the first friend i thought of cause afterall we have been through thick, thin (literally) for 10 years! We're are both thicker, as compared to 5 years ago. We mull over the bulge, and vow to lose weight evermore, over Starbucks frapp and New york cheesecake. In Sb's words, "Share half...you take the bigger piece". ?? !!*____* Gosh. Our math allergy goes a LONG way.

Which brings me to another issue. How many friends can we daresay to know? The depth of relationships we go into?

A friend who supports, who understands, who builds.

One whom, you love beyond all the idiosyncrasies, like mixing chilli sauce into coleslaw, for some unknown reason.

The chemistry of one glance, or a grin to "absolutely geddit".

One who shares the same belief, the reply in the affirmative.

True friends are hard to find, hence truly cherished. :)

It is not a good feeling to have...

2008-02-21T01:34:00.002+08:00

When opportunity presents itself, (and you know its a good one) but it is let slipped because one is not ready then.

And i can't find no lucid explanation to justify.

2 Cents

2008-02-08T15:22:00.000+08:00

2 cents :

The fountain of youth can be a dearth of something....When youth is on your side, age is working against you. A strange age = ability equation, if you must. It's a tricky situation to get round, to convince a older person to accept a new idea, without coming across as being pushy/arrogant. i got myself in a sticky situation because i guess, vibes gotten off in the wrong manner. Probably it is the generation mindset that younger ones should not "contest" their elders.

Respect is a must but disagreement doesn't necessarily take a piece out of the respect. I think logic shouldn't be compromised just because of experience...but of course the approach taken can be improved. Approach, seems to be more important than the content of the said disagreement.

Academic qualifications. Important, not important...hmm subjective. For people with scanty experience, qualifications is definitely a way to gain speaking rights amongst the more experienced. Thereafter, will be a path of proving a level of competence which (sad to say) can only be escalated by a lot of hard work.

Just my 2 cents on: How to Float Your Basic Idea Across

inflation does no favours to the 2 cents. :(

Thoughts

2008-01-20T17:34:00.000+08:00

Picked up the Lil' bro from his new school on a Friday evening. His new school is coincidently, my old school---The Grand Dame, NJC. From what he says of school, it totally gathers the vibe of a very amused and excited young man (*wriggles eyebrows). Maybe its the Girls or The Long Pants, or both. 1st time venturing back to the school compound since 2003 and its pretty amazing that it hasn't changed, at all. The parade square, the hike up the slope, all the same. i said to him, "wow. cant believe just like that, it was 6 yrs ago." It's scary because it really does seem not that long and that period of time could be 10% of a person's lifespan...well...as morbid as it sounds..Kind of anxious that Time may not allow us the luxury of doing all the things we wish to embark on.So i guess, Treasure the loved ones around, make the most of every day!

Seperately, i was travelling along the BJ Sheares and must say, am very happy to see all the capsules up on the SG Flyer. Can't wait to get on that Ferris..reckon the view will be damn awesome.

Anyways, i snitched this quote from somewhere which i think is deep and worth a second ponder:

"Perfect love is not about form but about its journey and its strife".

Putting into Perspective

2008-01-11T00:35:00.000+08:00

The skill of self-sustaining and the process of sharpening this skill is a necessary path to go through. Self-sustaining beyond coping with the physical needs, but to hold the mental and emotional psyche well, independently. The environment will change, but a self-sustaining person, sustains. (for lack of a better word) The depth of this depends on the depth of the person, quite akin to the depth of the foundations of a building. The deeper the foundations, the higher the structure.

Sounds so logical that it seems unnecessary to voice. But in order to be in a good position to help others, it is necessary to be self-sustainable. So that those in the process can count for support in their process to sharpen their skill. I personally like the idea because it brings to mind two things that an older friend repeatedly said :
- You need to help yourself, in order to help others.
- You need to love yourself, in confidence, not conceitedness, in order to help others.

Life is such that sometimes things people say dont mean anything to you at that point, but somehow it sheds light later on.

2008

2008-01-04T00:15:00.000+08:00

4 days into the New Year, and it has been good thus far, has been good. New Year resolutions, pan-ed out. Its interesting to note that resolutions dissipate somewhere in Feb, gonna make sure it lives to smell the dawn of 2009. I keep previous resolutions in a tatty diary, called the "Goal Book". Its a cheesy name, but rather...its the "call a spade, a spade" theory. Past enteries include getting 3As for A's, to finish the Bible within 2mths (did it!), to finishing 2.4km under 10mins (forget it!)..there must have been more realistic thoughts in there, but it just slipped my mind. :D

Have been negating the work-life balance thing. Thats unless one's definition of balance is a perfect 12 hrs at work. Not so healthy, because sometimes it can siphon much energy. On the other hand, work is so fulfilling at times (not monetary sense) that makes it really addictive. Addictive as it feeds the ego and feels like an endorphins overdrive. This fulfilment is the chief locomotive of the driving impetus. Work and the sense of fulfilment : chicken and egg relationship.

On a personal level. Sincerity, connectivity, empathy, trust.

Well, i really like how minimal the above 4 points look. It is so bare but forms the bulk of all relationships. Its always good to sit back and reflect upon the quality and depth of relationships, not to drive home the thought of cynism, but to reaccess the reason and the essence. Quantity without depth, evaporates fast, but quality endures and satisfies.

* To Sb: thanks for your new yr's prayer. i hope this is the glimmer yr.

Note to Little Boy

2007-12-25T22:19:00.000+08:00

My kid brother knows the existence of this blog. Yes YOU, stop skulking, i'm standing behind you.

hahaha. :D Fun for fun's sake: http://artreallyrocks.blogspot.com/ . SURPRISE!

Faith

2007-12-16T03:04:00.000+08:00

Faith is too profound for the intellect.
But best understood to a child.

Lagi Shiok!

2007-11-20T18:21:00.000+08:00

Some couple of hours back, i was fretting how in the world am I going to ask for leaves from The Boss. It's round Christmas, soon.Them leaves are falling straight off the brink of Autumn, somewhere half a globe away..With that said, its still quite a bender to get round, considering the fact that office leaves are totally alike the season this time of the year-- scarcely anything left up there. So i decided to try my luck & put my bonus on the line.

Just then, The Boss comes round to say, I suppose you can use this time to clear your leaves. For the exact number of days as i had intended to ask.

Wow!

Never knew The Boss and I connected on such a deeper level. ;D

Pensive

2007-10-24T01:30:00.000+08:00

Often, the beauty of a present situation blinds the sacrifices involved in painting this pretty picture. How much blood, how much sweat and how many obstacles endured, is only known to the person, yet largely unknown to most. Most assume that the perfect situation fell upon like a random spark.

I've realised that Life is essentially a lonely business. It's largely a farce, steered by motives. You see, feelings are within people, sentiments can be explained in words, but words do not suffice in reaching an understanding. There could be facets that people see in one another, which they like, or maybe love. Bless this consensus, give thanks for it even. Better still, embrace it in its glory. In the warpest sense, rehearse its death moment to acquaint the emotions to the inevitable. (Assuming that this acquaintance will make the acceptance much easier when it comes.)

It's Amazing Grace & amazing Love that the Lord simply stays within, comforts and builds, even times when His presence is forgotten, He never lets down, never fails, never forsake.

What is there to fear.

Subjective

2007-10-03T23:50:00.000+08:00

Perfection, just like beauty, lies in the eye of the beholder.

Perfection is always subjective. Subjective between people, and even subjective to the same person in different stages of his life.

Well most importantly this Perfection is seen, eye to eye.

Con me, fuses it.

2007-08-31T01:12:00.000+08:00

If ironic was the order of the day, what tiles the surface and what forms the surface is of two different composite altogether. Words can fabricate. Emotions, which are more spontaneous than words, hardly. I'm mildly amused, mildly sickened. Well anyways, unhappiness usually sets in when nights are spent mulling over the uncontrollable. Whats behind can disintegrate the present pysche. Something like Lot's wife. Helplessness, likewise, is the confused mother of exasperation. You want it, can't have it, fret over it, mess with it.

Come to think. Its actually very simple, forthcoming, easy to comprehend. But why isnt that my way?? My only understanding is: Cause it ain't your highway. And thats why, window shopping never gratifies. Flightly relationships, will never satisfy.

..take it easy. See how it goes lor...

Mood of the Day

2007-08-21T00:33:00.000+08:00

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your ChardonnayI
it's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."And isn't it ironic... don't you think

life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out
whenYou think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

ALANIS MORISSETTE -"Ironic"

Pent up!

2007-08-18T01:25:00.000+08:00

All virtues tied up to this state of being emotional, has been utterly liquidated. In its place, a blasphemous "weakling"-tail tag has been pin on to this reluctant mule. Or often viewed as the Flagbearer of the jellyminded. In the golden days of yore, virtues like faithfulness, gentleness, selflessness, togetherness, love, were greatly celebrated. Many poems have been penned based on the intensity of these feelings, but even so, the flowery language sometimes do not bear justice to the depth of emotions. Despite that, the engaged listener is able to appreciate its fleshed out conveyance. The words resonates meaning and touches something inside.

The jaded will dismiss it as being totally pointless and pointlessly nostalgic. To that i have to say that if a person has no feelings, chooses to mask it, evade it, is no different from a fleshed out robot. The soft side is what makes people, people, with the capacity to feel a spectrum of thoughts. It just seems that career mindedness and the desire to have the Midas touch...is exactly, taking the hard out of its Golden handshakes. It's frustrating and irksome. Cant decide where the balance beam tilts. Calls for suppressing is making me crack. For that matter, why is there a need to be apologetic to feel more towards something. I don't see why emotional is mutually exclusive with the strength of mind. It's such a flimsy conclusion. The way its coming across, its as though we are talking about mental paralysis. What gives the flogging rights? The Bible says that God made man in the likeness of Him, and He personalifies warmth, grace, Love and a gentle compassion. Snuffing out the soft side, just looks like the perfect invite for the dark dancing devil.

It's good to be human. Very good in fact. I love my family and my friends. Through thick and thin we'll be together, and we accept each other along with any idiosyncrasies. The toasted security blanket..awwww ;)

Smothered

2007-08-12T03:59:00.000+08:00

Pride, is an awful thing to have when present in more than the required quantity. It wields the strength of the absolute restrainer. Smothers feelings to death for its sake, replaces it with a whiff of nonchalence. Probably there will be a time and a place and a honesty to say in exaction, the depth of feelings you have for each. Probably this struggle to verbalize has been a main featured default. There's more reality beneath the indifference. I swear there is. Hmm...honesty is such a lonely word, it feels, perpetually pent up. :(

Straight up.

2007-08-06T23:36:00.000+08:00

Little struggles are there for a purpose. To educate and to appreciate other aspects that others may be struggling with but you have it going down pat easy. Pity that the cup of appreciation is tended towards the half empty, where the half full struggles always threaten to overwhelm the void.

Now if you would, look straight, smile ahead and quit tripping over your right foot only to step on your left. Many struggles are simply self-impregnented thoughts.

Musings

2007-07-15T00:17:00.000+08:00

Last night..or rather 2 nights ago was the start of the Alpha course at church. There were new friends and they brought along questions with them. One of the reason cited about why they seek for The One, is because everything that surrounds is simply far too intricate and too perfect for it to be the moulded by the hand of evolution or the combustion of the big bang. I was sitting there thinking, hmmm..total concurrence. Its quite scary how societal benchmark progresses. Achievements are marked on a deductible scorecard, which essentially picks out faulty points and render it, well i suppose its less than complete and probably "room for improvement". Its as though perfection is the absolute threshold. No wonder people get disillusioned. But strangely, the perfect rhythms of seasons, days, time..(i'm tempted to say menstrual cycle, but on second thought, this is by far, the most erratic cycle i've seen & pms is never perfect, so thats out of point)...it never fails. The sun's always up, the days just keeps going. But even this perfection is taken for granted. Like how sometimes the scorching sun finds itself the subject of some free-spirited swearings. :(

Ok, moving on to happier things. There was ONE question that i think many, if not all could identify with. The question on WHY prayers seem to be unanswered, and along with this nagging gee-am-i-talking-to-myself (??!!!)suspicion. It seems to be so for certain occasions. But if you were to look back at the series of events, coupled with all the signs, it probably makes you go..ah, that was a sign of encouragement that speaks of the lesson on patience. Honestly, i was just so overwhelmed. In a good way.

Seperately, Py's back from US. :D I don't know if she thinks its a good thing though. But for the rest of us here, i'm sure it is! Let me paint a situation. People, in general are like careless travellors in an airport. You go to several locations, and it seems that no matter where you transit, no matter how you psych yourself not to leave anything behind, but still, cannot help leaving a little of yourself at some unexpected corners. That, is the emotional baggage left behind. Sometimes we can go back and pick it up, sometimes it gets lost...and in the second instance, what is left may be a stamp right on the pages of the memory which speaks history of the footprints. That is why the stamp is a reminder of a happy point.You can see it in either ways. Holy cow, the blasphemous uncertainty!, or.. there will be more happy points to fill up the empty pages. It's all in the mind. Maybe if you are lucky, you may get to meet someone who shouts and pouts just the way only you will understand. Maybe that person was there to be your Perfect Default.

Gee, i really love this phrase "perfect default". It sounds so wrong, but yet SO damn right. :D

Glad :D

2007-07-08T03:21:00.000+08:00

Weekends are pretty indulgent, as it allows for time to do the sweetest things that the weekdays will forbid. A long talk with the best friend was really good. In depth conversation is what constitutes a proper relationship, a proper knowing. With trust as the equation, and Him as the centre, it just makes the friendship much more resilient. Its not easy to get there though. To talk freely, would mean ripping off those self-styled facades. It's more nude than nudity. Presses all the right buttons, caused some stirrings, hmmm… somewhere towards the left. The heart that is. Haha..dirty thoughts don’t make you a better person. ;)

It’s nothing new actually, just a newfangled spin on an oldfangled topic. The root of existence, the well of happiness, the blight of sadness, the sucky nature of gainful/painful employment, the importance of being earnest, the abundant Love. What I adore about her is her innocence and the free-spirited loving. I don’t see truthfulness to such degree. And that gentleness, may I add? There’s so much talk that subscribes Life as the proverbial set of chess. Strategy. Human pawns. Which is so incredibly ironic, that is if you do the Chess thing perfect, you will be the only glorious soul remaining. In such a way that we forget that the person beside is a real human with feelings and emotions. Sometimes, it really does slip the mind especially when said person starts throwing around some poppycock nonsense. Thankfully, she was there like a beacon of light. The glow of light, cheesy at times, but warm always. A blessing to have met you, have you around through all this while. :)

thank you so very much!

Worrisome.

2007-07-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

I read an article that says when you are stressed, you turn to your bestest comfort food to fall into the solace of its welcoming bosom. Hee, maaan...really it has some truth in it.

Miss Clarity cafe is located amongst some ratty-tatty shophouse at Seah street. There's this roasted chicken leg that is strangely comforting. The leg is lagi big, and its quite impossible for anyone to finish it. But paired with coke light, wooohooo, ReeeesplendenT, right down to the T . I must say the setting, is very settling. Maybe because the deco reminds me of the loooonnnggg gone days where happy house & bubblegum accessories were the main stay of all frivolous miscellaneous stuff. Its like the representation of the young and the crazed days.

It never did strike me how much i miss school, how much i miss squatting at compromising positions just to dogde the discipline mistress. But i find the workplace a facetious setting. At times there are so many levels of formalities, its perplexing. Guess it will take some time before getting completely sync-ed to its elements. I don't hate working, just dislike the sterile environment, its pretty much like a emotional vacuum.

Sigh. Tomorrow, a happening day it will be. I'm worried. That explains why you know Sean paul's reggae, coke light, and hee hee, werther's original makes it a gazillion times better. Its sort of like the blissfully familiar. Even if its just 10 mins, it is always good to get lost in this temporal insouciance.

And wait, this guilty pleasure of 10 mins, is alllmmmost about gone. :(

woohoo!

2007-06-29T01:56:00.000+08:00

Blogspot may be passe but there's this little voyeuristic streak in people that calls for a release, in some way or the other. More so in a random virtual page like this, nevertheless, still exists in reality. What gives? Every house calls for a chimney.

This week was no good at all. Because there was a rise in some conflict of interests. The problem in an office is that every house has no chimney. So the suppression of all steam only speaks of a certain combustion at an unknown time. And really almost every tom dick & harry gets CC-ed for many random things where they have nothing gotta do with the subject matter. No harm really, just a WIDE-eyed moment come each Monday. The joy of seeing the influx of little envelope icons & the subsequent glee in trashing it. YES, we get it. You must have been doing anything 'cept skivving.

Well, tomorrow i'm on leave, and hence an early TGIF for me! very happy you know! heeee hee heee :D

Powerplay

2007-06-23T05:25:00.000+08:00

Powerplay seems to be a sub-plot in a working environment. Everyday is a new day where some nitty gritty detail sneaks a page and adds dimensions to this. Tread on a couple of sore toes? Nary a care... in the way The Sole survivor (in all sense), will bemoan that its all part of Treading to keep above the water. Because essentially, everyone wants to feel important, feel like they have a say in contributing to a decision. Its really a part of human nature, to feel not only validated, but also recognised. From what i hear, this Rub-shoulders thing is the office jargon for building rapport with anyone higher up. Gee, I thought it is what we do, pre-CNY at Chinatown.
Anyways, thats besides the point.

What i meant is that the Cooks and the broth situation is doable in school. Like a democratic tutorial group. Spoilt it? Never mind, cook it again. But equivocal rights would really be The Booty call for the State Of Anarchy. To put it crudely, this back-end trouble aint gonna work out. Thats why its interesting to draw this intricate play to a deck of cards. A couple too much of a Joker; remove them before the game starts. 4 kings in a intra-group usurping rotation, 4 stinging femmes vying to be the resident queen bee, the brawns and the Ace of brains, also included in this fray: some less prominent players, but nonetheless important in the context.

Exactly. It is with this eclectic mix of profiles that makes a deck of cards a game of utmost flexibility. Ain't that what they always say...that life is like a deck of cards?

Gag me some historical cliche. :)

My take home: Gentleness is a virtue that is SO underated. But its a virtue that He speaks much emphasis on. I always had an impression that Gentleness is essentially a kow-tow business. Its really not like that. I guess it being the multiple of Love, pushes it up to a higher order. Not easy & not many can develop this considerable latitude. But reality is such that the lamb finds itself, subsequently stewed into mutton chop. Where is the balance?

Plain warped

2007-06-19T00:26:00.000+08:00

The strange and gloriously warped thing about LIFE is that you never really know from present perspective, whats a mirage, and whats a sea...and whats a well that lies beneath!

So are you a mirage, a well or a sea?

For that, We shall see!

(ok, bad pun. hee hee!)

Something kinda Funny :D

2007-06-02T17:50:00.000+08:00

Self-awareness is a very beautiful thing. Because it helms the soul in, and along comes this soothing reassurance. So the increased level in confidence may have absolutely nothing to do with the outside, nothing to do with the current circumstances. Insecurity is such a bitch, bitch, bitch at times. It is so damaging. But sometimes childhood insecurity is like yesterday's problem swept under today's rug. So sick and tired! Not good enough, not good enough? Once and for all, OK, good enough. Good enough to Him, to parents, to friends, to myself. Settled.

I was staring blank facing the window which overlooks the ferris wheel besides the Sheares bridge. The office was empty, and it was just fantastic. Went to the boardroom, closed the door, sat there with my ipod with Garth brooks Lost in You playing on repeat. That feeling, gosh. It was more than fabulous than fabulous itself. And i sat there imagining how beautiful the surroundings would look on the ferris itself. Did much thinking, or rather, dreaming on the swivel chair. The feeling of being on a high floor and looking afar, is very therapeutic. The night sky is so sweet. You'll see the little specks of light on the Sheares, office lights from the opposite buildings, look down, and theres the westin's swimmining pool. This tingly vertigo that creeps on as i plastered my plams against the glass panel. I can only dream about how pretty it will look on the tanjong rhu stretch. Dreaming so much, that i can feel that spastic expression creeping up on the face. Hopeless dreamer look. Often, the most beautiful times are the times you spend alone and everything you are feeling inside is so real and so unpretentious. Felt so very happy, and it feels so very lucky.

Must be the music la, damn. Make me feel so sappy. hahahhaa. Raining outside somemore!

But then later i went up to new asia, although there was company, the feeling dissipated. I realised it was beautiful because the feeling was so raw, and honest. Must have been missing something all this while. I guess i found it.

Questions? Answers, some time later.

2007-05-26T21:58:00.000+08:00

It's interesting, the way the word "random" tag is pinned onto events with no plausible explanation. Quite a crude classification. Maybe as time goes along, i can put in the correct folder under the correct tab. So as to have a better Outlook of eveything. You know, like Microsoft. Hmm, that was rather contrived.

The problem is, there are many ad hoc events. Which i totally do not understand, which is pretty understandable, considering the finite capacity of the human mind. What can i say, but say it again? Does little to allay the situation, 'cept that office dynamics and protocol is so new to me. Sometimes i really, really wonder, does prayer get through all the time. Of course, the right answer we all know. It's just a thought, text-articulated.

I pray for guidance, amidst a seemingly prolonged blackout. What is going on??

What can I do?

2007-05-24T22:30:00.000+08:00

The grass, seems greener, if it was looking in from outside. Actually, its just a mirage. Because life is about opportunity costs. And something's got to give. But giving is often at a individual level. It exists, even though not as apparent.

I would rather go easy in some areas. Amazing. I'm at a loss for words, and totally thought drought-ed. bummer.

A Right, a Favour, a Need & a Want

2007-05-15T20:41:00.000+08:00

A right is something one feel that Life obligates you. A favour is something someone extends in the name of goodwill. Conflict stirs when A feels that B is a personally-assigned angel riding on the horse of obligation. But B feels that no, it aint so, its a one-time favour. Thats. It.

A need is something one requires in order to survive. But then again, some people require clean water, others require a gucci. And so, life-supports come in varied forms. A want is a desire, that one conjures, and results in a smidge of salivation when its air castles come to mind.

What is a right, a favour, a need and a want? Sad to say that quite a significant portion is greed-defined, and it has a pretty insatiable appetite. Quite disturbing really.

Hi!

2007-05-12T18:34:00.000+08:00

The office dynamics is pretty new to me.

1) You are supposed to know a certain something, yet not suppose to allow that knowing to skew any impression of the person. In that case, i wouldn't want to know. But no, you need to know. what??

alright.

2) No such thing as a free lunch.

ok.

It's no surprise that S'pore has one of the least % of happy folks around. Mornings in and out, i noticed many have that same look. The look of the absolute expressionless. Just out of a whim, i decided to smile at this stranger lady because she looks friendly enough. Enough to say that when i smiled, she turned her head to look behind her. Hmm, but there's just the tracks behind . She returned the favour. But i cant really figure out was it a half-grimace or was it a facial twitch.

Thats one less reason to take the MRT, one more reason to take 174. And so i did! :D

2007-05-03T04:26:00.000+08:00

The roof garden atop Vivo, is really quite the concrete sanctuary when its not packed. My two favourite spots: One that looks to the oblonged snowman, and the other, right at the last row of the spectator benches. I haven't been there since the Day of the Flagbearer of Stupidity. The place actually turns me off. There was inertia this time, but nonetheless some fears just need to be laid to rest. It's not some thriving wanderlust that made me go seek the devil. But, really because somebody else wants to go, and doesnt know i've some issues with the place. We went and the cool night wasso incongruent to the inside. For a strange reason, i felt really embarrassed by being right there, in the centre of some old-time joke.

The best part is to deal with whatever issues there may be. The dissonence lasted just for a while. The seat at the benches was alright, i'm just so glad that i've no problems with the place again, and thanks to this, not frazzled in face of hidden fears. Fantastic feeling you know! :)

Wonder

2007-04-26T01:11:00.000+08:00

The last academic paper at uni brought this immense sense of relief. Almost awestruck i would say. Never mind about the joker who stapled his exam sheets wrongly, nor for the fact that the rest of the 800 people having to wait as a result. Its a strange brood of emotions going on. Its like aging thirty through three yrs. Small little things like lying in the sun just to get a tan was a to-do thing 3 yrs back, and now it seems extremely frivolous and a complete waste of time.

Gee. And if frame of thoughts change as it is, it really makes me wonder how would the train of thoughts be at 25? Work starts in a week, and there are things yet to be completed. Sheesh! Time flies so very very fast. And its very strange the way the human mind operates. Like there was plenty of time to meet, and we don't meet. Now when we are so busy, yet we manage to meet. Prayer works! Prayed for zest, and Zest came in leaps and in bounds. Hope it sticks around a littttle bit longer. :D

Gotta get used to...

2007-04-12T01:43:00.000+08:00

When I realised it was gone, it is hard to remain entirely unaffected. There is only so much that self convincing nonchalence can do. Indifferently speaking, maybe this proves my point. hmm, i guess. There is no dearth of short lived happiness, anythings or randoms. Best if they overlap so as one dissipates, the next comes by, just as it starts to count itself down.

Strange. What matters really? The only constant is eternally good. Comfort in the knowledge indeed. :D

shrugs :(

2007-04-09T15:16:00.000+08:00

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

So?

2007-04-03T14:51:00.000+08:00

Humpty dumpty just REFUSES to crack. ;D

Very positive yeah. Feels like an alter ego or smthg. Shall see how long it lives.

sb i love you!

Face of a man

2007-04-02T01:57:00.000+08:00

Happiness stretches a time, further then happy can contain. It is amazing how with age, you realise that emotions are dressed with much sophistication. It has a core feeling, and tails a smorgasbord of peripherals. Bittersweet, love-hate, and the like. Words simply fail to entangle that motley assortment. Or sudoku for that matter. Even Happy rolls out an entire glad, ecstatic, bliss, awesome, etc. Which again makes this thing really confusing and impossible to understand.

But come to think of it. Scientists say that our basic construct is not far from the chimps. That sounds really contentious. I highly doubt that they experience surging emotions while cracking a peanut. Or jabbing ants out with a twig. Of course we are so so different. Made in the likeness of Him. So praise the Lord for those range of emotions. For the happy little dog wears his heart on his tail, whilst we humans stash a groupie of masks under our happy little veneer.

Displaced

2007-04-01T04:45:00.000+08:00

No issues really. Just a passing thought. Best to maintain semi-detachment and when the bad happens, it is easier to denounce that nagging spiral of thoughts. I find it wholly ironic that the same thing we refuse to delve into, seeks constant regurgitation in the mind. But the most beautiful thing is He can reduce that dissonance, and soon it will dissipate. It frees the psyche, bigtime. :)

Its not that everything has been going well. Some has not. But you know the 80-20 rule. 20% of all summated occurences are negative, unfortunately a 80% of the mood is dwelling upon it. Maybe this doesnt work for everybody, but that gross imbalance needs to be tweaked.

I saw a homeless old man and he lugs a ricketty radio around. It was blasting tunes as old as time, and just jarring against the present. It's extremely sad. That as life blooms for some, life is gloomy for others. Was just sitting about 15 feet away and wondering what thoughts occupy his mind, and where does he stay at. Cause that glazed look in his eyes; doesn't seem to speak of bliss, it does however, like his radio, seem lost in time. Since then, i've seen him around a couple of times. Same spot, same radio, same position, expression, glazed off. What has life to offer him hence?

Pythagora's Theorem

2007-03-28T02:07:00.000+08:00

Today is a happy day. Firstly because nothing bad happened, and second because my phone has been ringing calls from old friends calling just to talk. Nothing makes me happier than talking. Really! Having some springs for lips. Can't shut it. Thirdly because, there was good company for dinner, fourthly because I think the white cat downstairs likes me alot, and follows me wherever i go. Well at least i thought so. That all happened before i placed the cat food down. sheesh. Cats have no conscience. Blessings to you and kittens. You shall catch your own rats henceforth.

I got these from a mail. Hilarrrioooussss! Apparently they are exam questions from sec schs!

There, I saw it!

hahaha! Mutations :)

When told to explain the shape of the graph..

"It is curvy with a higher bit at the end and a rather aesthetically pleasing slope downwards towards a pretty flat strait bit. The actual graph itself consists of two strait lines meeting at the lower left hand corner of the graph and moving away at a 90 deg angle. Each line has an arrow head on the end."

ROFL. *cough* ARTS student.

hahaha..my favourite! Peter's expansion.

And I realised. One more month before this entire uni journey ends. I'm smelling a whiff of cheesy nostalgia. But today is a happy day, and happy days have no room this little bit of emo. It's because i spent much time with my Mum. And it leaves this really soothing feel inside, like..aaah ok, i can go to sleep.:D

Simi lofty ideal?

2007-03-24T03:45:00.000+08:00

I dont like this phrase "money makes the world go round''. Its very disturbing. Suddenly, money becomes God. Super warped.

And is the world really so sad?

Only thing to judge is the hot fudge. YUM!

2007-03-22T01:53:00.000+08:00

This post is not to judge or whatsoever. It is just a thought reflection. Yes, it is always good to add a disclaimer. It's an arm extension of the apathetic world. One thing that distressed me is the blatant plank in one's eye to keep pointing faults at a plank-ton in a friend's eye. Ok, not plankton, speck of sawdust it is. Basically its flying accusations. I would like to defend someone from such fiendish shoot outs. But it will need some confrontation. Am VERY adverse to confrontation. I would rather feign temporal blindness. By doing so, makes me feel less of a friend. Plagiarizing is very low brow, that is quite a universal impression.

Hmm, a person's look says absolutely nothing about the person. Looks nice? Cute? Oh come on. I have this wry smile on now. This ain't sun bathing day out in world of Utopia. What you see is not what you get.

Alright, can feel some ranting vibes bubbling forth. Its not nice to bitch here right. This is public domain! :D Yeeeah, so not..graceful.

Says the Swan's advocate. Tsk tsk..SOOOO not graceful.

The Psyche of a Shrivelled Peanut

2007-03-19T01:39:00.000+08:00

Certainly hope to be appreciated. Cause its pretty late, and usually I really don't know how my intentions will be taken. Its good from my side, but how it appears on the other end might be another thing in itself. If there is any comfort, is that He knows.

And staying true to my rhetoric tendencies...Don't you wish someone can read your mind? So you can spare everybody the agony of guessing things..like hey I think she is meaning to say this...and he is doing that because... Guess so much; ado about nothing in the muchness anyways.

Maybe its a flabbergasted moment. Hmm, yes. Choked up is the word to use.

Alright man! Make the world a better place. Go to bed, sleep pass the worries!

-->Hi Sabai! Miss you and you, vian.:D<--

2factor motivation

2007-03-14T02:40:00.000+08:00

Purpose Driven is running towards Prized Carrot hanging from afar.
Fear Driven is running a smidge faster towards Prized Carrot with the nagging feel of another one coming behind.

Works best when paired together. :D

the wombats love their carrots too.

Empyreal Absurdity

2007-03-08T00:39:00.000+08:00

I passed by Sins Chocolate by Millenia Walk and hovered around feeling SO tempted, peeped in somemore, salesgirl shimmies up, and I scoot off. I was trying to justify the need to pay ard20 bucks for a few bites of gratification. For which, maybe 18bucks goes to servicing wages. haha..But! Pestilent urge refuses to die, and i went candyempire to get cheap ones. :D

Thats not the point. My guess is that choc at Sins and chocs at Candyemp are almost the same. Somehow the chocs at Sins move out of their sublime ornery and go upmarket. Isnt just the same for people? That everyone is of the same basic construct, but some get to live the heaven-on-earth, and some are scraping to get by. Its warped up the kilt.

But, but...everyone is really so much the same. If you put all of us in showercaps we will all look equally stupid. I saw one in the mirror today. My intestines nearly jumped off a bridge.

Dried Crispy Noodle

2007-03-03T16:57:00.000+08:00

I love the fact that so many things are out of my control. Love to feel excitement, frustration, nervousness. And the bestest love would be the love of awareness.

Its like the phlegmatic wet noodle aired itself to dry, and finally found some Xtra sanguine spriiiing. :D

"Yeeess, anything for MEEE?"

Who's that girl?

2007-03-02T01:30:00.000+08:00

I'm puzzled why people can come by, be chummy, and the next moment, disappear. It's strange and scary at the same time. Hmm, not a speck of feeling? I'm not even refering to affection, but let's try attachment? That is why overtly friendly people should be taken with a pinch of salt. Yes they smile to you. But also to the plants behind you. So I'm thinking, hey sister where have you been? Venus?

I guess its important to hobnob and smile. Smiling people are more lovely to look at. Sure, you can put a friendly into a friend, but not neccessary take a friend out of that friendly. Sigh, it makes me think twice about being a friend and all that jazz, because different people have different opinions on that. To each his own. Actually, i feel very sold out now...mainly flammoxed by it, and this somehow comes out as sarcasm.

See thats how abit of unguardedness can let a little puppy slip through your door. take a little corner of your heart, dogeared it, and MADE SURE that you had to remember. What you say?

The cow ate my grass

2007-02-19T02:52:00.000+08:00

Whoever came up with the "Grass is greener over the other side" liner, may just have combusted the greatest irony of life. Constantly it has been refuted, bombarded, bludgeoned with liners like "Count your blessings'" etc. I suspect this is some useless balm to soothe the bruised ego. Just cause it means contentment or complacency. Or cause it also means wallowing in self-pity/self-denial. Bugger. Its the touchy issues that sets the livewire within to run AMOK to the fence, sneak peek at the grass on the other side, feel immensely peeved, AMOK some more in your field, and go check out That green green grass again.

We know for a fact that a patch of Green-Grass-On-The-Other-Side doesnt mean that the entire acre is Green. But this Irony will not cease to desist. I.e. It just refuses to die. There are some touchy issues that everyone has. And yeah, it trampoline-d into the mind today. Bobs up down down up up up down, and refuses to die.

Oh ya, Happy Lunar New Year.

Where was I..yeap. Point on taking that Gargatuan Goss about Green Grass to another level. we often feel like a lucky fish when we find someone whose company we like so very much. And that person becomes very special, to very indispensible. It's this excitement that sends the senses to a major overkill, and Special Person is notched up the pedestal. They become larger than life, and in a way, their fields seem to be in a brighter hue of green. No reason to be the resident lucky fish, than it is to feel like a promiscuous snail. Company is only good when its shared. We have different vibes with different people, but just impossible for a same sense of camaderie across all relationships. So yeeaah, gotta tap yourself on the back, shoot a thumbs-up that you have done your part to make this company good. Got to love yourself more, and give more credit to self. :D

The grass on both sides is of the SAME colour. Now that is superb embellishment for my ego! Great! I can rest easy tonight.

And all this while..i'm hearing the noises from the void-deck cats as they do their thang. What do you call that? Cat groans?

Do you need to know that?
Nope.
But i just want to tell you.

HEEEEEEE.

Good night!

Hello! :D

2007-02-17T05:40:00.000+08:00

Civilisation is a bitch. It holds us hostage when want to seek ventilation. Like now, i would wish to throw open the window and shriek out like a high-pitched dingbat. But I cannot because I know for a fact, the woman living below is capable of calling the cops. Fellow neighbour had a musical itch at 5 in the morning, decided to crank up the organ, and up came the mata. Poor neighbour, smacked face in his own music.

Because life gets boring when things fall to a routine...

Really, I just want to graduate, grab my cert, throw the mortarboard high up like a flying discus. Then, run amok around the open field beside the SRC. Woah, after 6+4+2+3=15 yrs, I can see the beginning of this end.

Anyways, It's just as good as the Budget is out. I have been waiting for it. Heng no increase in personal income tax. I reckon its the same anyways, since first yr of work, either its paltry tax, or its no tax. There is the payouts and all, but nothing makes me happier than the increase in employer CPF contribution. wooohoo! But with the GST at 7%. Probably the net benefit is still negative.

CNY is in 2days. I don't wish to sound like an ingrate, but it doesnt get me psyched. Routine celebration maybe? Well, probably.

Closet Cheese Puff

2007-01-28T02:30:00.000+08:00

I love surprises. Just when you are basking in this state of blissful insouciance, this young punk called Surprise, comes right from behind and then BOO! Scares your knickers out of you. Basket. It takes awhile to fetch that equilibrium back, and place it right back on the shelf. Grr, no more please.

At the end of these thrill rides, i go home feeling like a perfunctory know-nothing. Cause there is so much you think can happen, and sad to say that the train of thoughts does de-rail sometimes. Goodness knows when it comes hither. This feeling, feels very pathetic. And it really goes to show that the Lord is the only form of stability in these madcap updowns.

Right now, i just want to sit at Changi Airport, whine abit, and watch the planes fly off. And i'll picture my thoughts, safely belted up, sitting right there in the plane, and when it lands through the pool of clouds, ah ha! That. Is where i want to be. (cue: misty eye look)

Gosh that was so cheesy. But its because it's raining now, and people get possessed by melodramatic twitches when it starts raining like that. So...i think its ok :) tee hee heee..and dont rain too often :D

Rants at 3am

2007-01-23T03:44:00.000+08:00

Its very pointless to enunciate this point(heh); at the final sem of study at 3am in the morning. Is it necessary to get a local degree? Or a foreign full-time degree? When a part-time degree from SIM can be completed within 1.5 yrs(fastforward?). And it suffices for entry positions into banks? Haha, aint trying to revive the corpse from the morgue slab..but it is calling for ventilation at this weird time.

This semester's core is sian to the Point of super! The joy of learning is all in the electives. And one of the electives reads.."history of western music", and the other, "media in America'. Its quite a "hmmm-i-seeeee-moment" everytime an atas-sounding jargon rolls off the tongue from the journo Prof. Though I see nothing.

To illustrate The Point of Selling Out. After 3 mods of business law, only the case where the snail was found in the gingerbeer(?) bears some hazy recall.

For a pointless rant, that was many points made. Bo Bian. Sold out means sold out already.

Saturday

2007-01-20T17:48:00.000+08:00

Puddle bunches of things that awaits completion. One includes the FYP, otherwise known as the Finish-Your-Project. Hee, and somehow it just makes me really gleeful to know that this year is going to be quite a transition. And with that comes a tail of blazing concerns tied at the back like noisy tin cans that rattle as you go along. It gives me immense comfort to know that the Lord has brought me through thus far, and when the time comes, each of those noisy rattling things will be dislodged.

I mean i just think about the events for the past month or so, how i nearly got conned by the this Str****ic Pa*****rs firm and was stupid enough to give up a post at Chanel for it, and how in the end it turned out ok. Unscathed in the physical sense, but extremely wary and very bitter about the entire thing. It pisses and relieves me at the same time (hee, bad pun), and all the time I was grumbling to the Lord..that why oh why, i was at the receiving end of this cascading shit.

Which brings me to quite an insignificant encounter; about the slightest thing that can make you happy. So it was a relief that on the bus ride back, this poised young lady who smelled like a delighted tub of caramel popcorn sat beside me. Thank goodness! I mean if you take bus 66 from Serangoon to home too, i think you know what i mean. Because, sometimes the smell can get quite happening. :D

2007-01-16T16:21:00.000+08:00

Nickelback - Someday

Oh my. This is so warped.

Anyways...Peiyu, I miss you man! Are you ok over there? Nobody to poke jibes and eat ciabatta and slack at coffee bean! Last sem of school starting in a heartbeat. I cant wait for it to be over...and there are SO many things to say but words do not suffice. So dont bother :)

Heartspeaks.

2007-01-08T00:10:00.000+08:00

Trust is this inate vibe that you get through communication, and the intangible something from inside. Relationships are built on the basis of trust and transparency. Of course there is camaderie. Its pretty amazing how friendships are formed. It might be the most haphazard way, but once that level of trust is established, it forms the bedrock of any relationship. After trust comes camaderie and transparency. The combustion of the three is not usually present in all situations. This makes it really special because it touches something inside, removing elements of pretense and bravado.

With that said, because that feeling is hard to find, it makes close friends even closer to heart. Friends whom seen the best side, the worst side, and still loves all sides. Contrast to a working environment where agendas are in place and every move is a strategy. Not to say all are like that, but its becoming more and more apparent. Being blind to it doesnt make it any more blissful, but on the other hand, awareness of it teases a string of cynicism. Its quite impossible to help with an open heart without feeling as though you had your emotions pickpocketed.

And how else do you know where to open the little window of your heart. It is to give genuine help, not help that is tagged with a list of conditions. Apparently, that is not easy at all. And it keeps me thinking...how this elusive Trust & Camaderie, where explanations can draw no perimeters. Little wonder why people seek to find the elusive T&C's. What makes you think it is easy to find.

Baggage left behind

2007-01-07T00:19:00.000+08:00

Have you had a day where you feel so super amped up. Where you toss an impassioned gaze towards the mirror, feeling a whole bunch of silent resolve. Next, to lay out all the rambling kvetch inside, and dispose of the nonsense. I don't know what gungho pill i ate yesterday leaving me more gutsy then usual. Anyways, this feels good and I certainly hope it stays.

Sometimes all you need is so snuff out all those insecure vibes and just ignore all second guessings. For sure life can be a bed of roses (mind you roses have thorns), if you can bring enough positivity to grow the good. Whatever it is, i'm ready to face problems. Bring them on man! erm..one at a time! :D

SIGH

2007-01-02T01:39:00.000+08:00

Its plain strange to have something good come along. While i'm pretty used to feeling bummed, I supposed every dog has its day, every person, an icing on her cake. It had been a good start to the year. For that, i must give thanks. Certainly i hope this is just the beginning of the ride up the ferris. Each time my prayer has been a series of questions, and it gives immense comfort just to see that little silver lining. Just about enough to spur me on.

One random thought. I would love to get on a cablecar at Mount faber really soon! Just for no particular reason except to scare myself abit as i stare down many many feet. And as the cabin goes swinging from side to side, geeee..is the rope strong enough?? Nah. Its the scenary I like. And at times we wish for people around, what we really want is people who have a mutual understanding around.

Like similar quirks of observing how civic-consciousness our society has honed us to be. Says even the signboard on the MRT tracks urging you to "Act Responsibly" (even in times of pre-suicidal verve), to always think of the social consequence of your act. Even how we roll our eyes in mock dismay each time we hear someone sprout a senseless cliche..and ironically forgetting how cliche it is for us to roll at someone else's cliche. And also how we push each other smack in the faces of our ex-crushes, only to look like complete fools in front of the person we really would love to impress.

For all that my friend, i WILL miss you when you head to the States. When i see a pathetic scene and stifle a grin inside, i will think of how you look when you hear of something outrageous. If you could, and if you please...do take a cutesy picture of yourself , with your jeans tucked inside your cutesy little boots, wearing your cutesy little beanie, beside a cutesy little cartoon statue. Just so that Ah dot and i know that you are safe and very sound.

You know what, i miss you already. So you sobby pruneface, you better miss me too.

last day of 2006

2006-12-31T01:11:00.000+08:00

Last day of the year usually triggers off all thoughts of expectancy for the next. This year has been good because the mist shrouding the big picture has eased off; not all but enough for me to see clearer. And really, what is important and what is not. What is fluff, what is second guessing. Its all the things that goes through your mind as you sit on the bus with the surroundings crossing both sides of you, but what matters is the destination.

Maybe along the way you meet nice people. But they will leave, somehow. I have increasing acceptance for this. In a way it i'm more appreciative of everyone because its a gift that they are around, and at the same time bear in mind not to have emotional latches on people all over the place. Its quite a sad realisation, kind of like compartmentalising feelings. Which doesnt come naturally per se. Rather its something you have to use the objective side of things to clamp it to reality.

Basically, i rest in comfort that He has been graceful to me for so far and for many to come. The peripherals that come my way are not within my area of control, I just got to make sure that the reaction to things is in line to what it ought to be. Because i dont know what to trust. In a bit of a sardine situation. haha..I'm wondering is it plain greedy not to be happy about the status quo although everything has been good??

No idea. But yeap, i love all my close friends. I'll make sure i'll treat you even better next yr.

Merry merry christmas!

2006-12-25T12:18:00.000+08:00

It would be nice, very nice to believe that you are able to hold your own. But how this syncs with the cummulative spade of daily events, may well be suspect. Getting bewildered is nothing new, its the varying level of shock that is relative, that makes it relatively new. Its like the kid who decides to play punk in secret, waits to shock you from the turn of a corner. You get caught in a pants-down moment, quickly yank it up and wooo, run with it. The kid is the general environment if you must.

Anyways, of course good things happen too. Which is quite a tease. But then again, whats good/bad now may actually be bad/good in the longer run. Most importantly, is how to pull the the socks up asap. Hee, in this case, its pants.

The cell group people had a good gathering yesterday. Although it vaguely look like a all-cousins- day out. :D Though i would love it to be longer, but hey, shan't be too greedy in my demands.

Today is Christmas. And it feels good. Maybe its the Merry Xmas smses. I guess. Fyi, Little india was flooded yesterday. The crowd was gushing left right and centre. We thought it was a fantastic idea to head there since Orchard will be jam-packed. But it doesnt work this way. Everywhere is packed. Even Mount faber is packed with couples cashing in on 12 midnight to do kissing over Christmas. Hee, i dont think thats a very kids friendly place. Maybe we need to reclaim land. Fast.

Anyways, Christmas does make you feel like a little burnt marshmellow thats gone all soft and wasted. I kind of chuckle at this amusing thought because i cannot explain why! Anyways, I have to quote a reporter from the Newspaper. He has the warped sense of humour where only the recovering marshmellows can testify. Goes something like this..
"When i stroll down Orchard with all the beautiful Christmas decorations..I look up into the sky and i see pretty jewels hanging from the trees. And i think to myself..Gee the wire is so Thin, what if it falls and lands on someone's head?"

OK. Lets not mar this happy mood. So. Have a blessed Christmas! And im off to stab the turkey. Bye!

Love,
miss poon

2006-12-16T15:05:00.000+08:00

P-Diddy - I'll Be Missing You

Just yesterday there was dinner with a group of friends from citibank. Some of us havent met for a good 2 yrs. It was strange. 12 hrs holed in the office has made a shy recluse out of me. Watched Project superstar for the 1st time. They really have got nice voices, and i'm pretty surprised that there were so many nice chinese songs! ermm, it's quite a pity though cause i have no idea what the titles are.

Anyways, this song just hit a note with me. Its a cover from the song by Police: Every Breath you take.

Song by Diddy, dedicated to his best friend. I love covers mostly, and because this had a personal message to it, and kicks in the r&b vibe...what is there not to like? :D

Every breath i take...
every move i make..
every single day,
every time i pray,
i'll be missing you...

2006-12-08T23:14:00.000+08:00

Justin Timberlake - My Love Video

This song really sticks ah.

:D

Shake the tailfeather, shake off the water

2006-12-07T01:04:00.000+08:00

However should you describe a feeling that makes you shake your head and go..now really what is that in words. Yes. The heat of the final year i can feel, most definitely.

For a lack of a better word, i feel pretty un-relatable in words these couple of days. It gets choked somewhere cause again, thoughts are futile in words. Period. I don't know but recently am wary about what i say. Because, really. Say for what?

Now really. WHY should i even bother entertaining those defeatist thoughts, those snide remarks, those times of 2nd guessing, momental bouts of self-doubting. It shows a lack of faith and an insult to self to go round robin time and again...of assuring, to assertive, to questioning, then to assuaging, to 2nd guessing, back to assuring. Tiring in superlative form can!!?

Sound frustrated? For sure. Frustrated about why i let one foamy opinion bother me so much, enough to do a poop to the eager psyche. It is so, so not worth it to let it chew on the confidence. I'm trying to nip this negativity in the bud before it comes and bite me in the butt. :(

But if this aint self sabotaging, i dont know what it is.

So! To many Bottomlines & Topdots...

Do not EVER 2ND guess.

Cheeers.

*jacob works it below!* :D

2006-12-07T00:07:00.000+08:00

Arctic Edge - Dance, baby, Dance

Jacob's 90seconds of fame. :D

Giving thanks without the turkey

2006-12-04T02:05:00.000+08:00

Pretty mad at self at how i wasted much time worrying about useless petty stuff, doing random things..when time could be better spent. And it is startling to think back and wonder why in the world did i think that was important. It is not THAT important. Every step gets tougher from here forth.

Today was Praise and Worship with auntie Catherine and Bev (other one :D) as song leaders, with Eddy's bro at the guitar together with Swee Sian, plus Lydia on the clavinova. It was stingingly touching. The songs just hit on every pore, and arises the goosepimples, and well..maybe it did teased a couple of tear ducts too. At that point, it reconfirmed my Belief in Him and that no matter what, i will keep my eyes on Him. It might be too idealistic for a human whose behaviour and thoughts can be random at times, to proclaim Love to God.

Really. What right do i have to talk to Him about Love. But in my frog-in-well understanding of Love, i said a silent prayer with the eyes struggling to contain those water-from-the-eye...I love you Lord...according to how i think Love is supposed to be. Actually as i'm quite apprehensive whilst typing this. Acute Apprehension directed towards myself about how can i really be a person that glorifies His name. I think THAT is the one of the fearful thing to step out and say, "I'm a follower of Christ and I love Him." Because in general people have higher expectations on how a Christian should conduct himself and i am so, (can i reiterate again) sooo far from that. As it is i am not good at guarding my mouth. And spew vulgarites from time to time. And if the heart is representative of what the mouth speaks, then i really have a long way to go.

It is not easy at all to tell someone else what is it that you are thinking. Verbal communication i suppose, is good at putting facts across, but pretty futile at conveying thoughts/emotions. And when the topic of religion is broached...ah its always the "religious harmony" card that sets to trump the "i-have-an-opinion" card, always. According to civil standards, we should accept all religions because they are a way of life. Something like.."oh you like the Atkins diet, and i like the Grapefruit diet..but its ok..we like our own diets, but anyways, yeah your diet is pretty cool too!" Which i really dont agree. Due to the inherent fear of upstaging social equilibriums, i keep my mouth shut. But it for sure doesnt mean consent. I just dont know how to put it tactfully across.

One of the MOST ironic situation that occured was during a mission trip, i received a sms asking me if i wanted to accompany a friend to a Soka association concert. VERY disturbing, someone was trying to convert me. It couldnt be more strange amidst the backdrop of a church. Well, if this scene entire was acted in mime, maybe i can see the facetious side to it. But back there and then, it was more like black humour.

So i always bargain with Him. "Can i bring friends to church only after i sort myself out and be a better person? Please? :D"

With regards to the sms in question. A wry smile crept up and i hit on the delete button. As usual, the "i-have-no-opinion' card. No voice of dissent, no opinion, no nothing. But i don't know how to put my stand across. Pretty vexed out.

Thats a squidgy behaviour for you. Which really calls for a need to grow a backbone. Or maybe the human Love really does not suffice.

WOAH

2006-12-02T17:02:00.000+08:00

The Kids Camp is OVER!

Which is a sigh of relief to everyone, especially the organising committee who put in many weekend hours to meticulously mete out the plans. Wow. The late 90s kids are very smart and tech savvy, and definitely more street smart. Its hard to summarize the 4 days. Except that its very fun and most of them are like mexican beans. They just bounce at random times and random places.

Some kids showed maturity way beyond their ages. I was quite floored by some of the things they say. And especially during the last day, it was amazing to see them raise their hands in acceptance. Being around them is the most inhibited feeling. Be dumb, stupid, ridiculous...be anything that floats your boat..its super easy to make them laugh. Being the biased person i am, i have a fave kid whose name is Joshua, whose first 6 teeth on the first row have all dropped, save except for 2 big ones. Which makes him look really mousy. He told me this..i think girls and boys are all the same one. but the girls very ee-ree-ta-ting. Its just fun watching him talk, his fluttering eyes rolling up as he pieces the words to put his point across.

Saw this question floating in the forum. Can 'love and bread coexist'? Depends how much love you see in the *white/ciabatta/wholemeal.

One more: Happy Birthday Sam!
*lights candles on the tandoori chick(en?) *
Rarrrr..Sp-sp-Spi-CY! :D

Waxing Lyrical on the Political

2006-11-23T14:44:00.000+08:00

Seems like the GST's gonna jump to 7% uh. It did inflame many netizens. A forum in question had many hotblooded females jumping onthe PAP, lambasting their 3 cents worth of how-increasing-the-GST-is-so-not-going-to-help-the-plebians, 4 cents on macroeconomic theory about AE=C+I+G+Net X, 5 cents on indirect taxation, ie how it curbs inflation, and many 6 senses chorused in unison that jumping the (MRT) tracks, is really.such.a.great.idea to raise the political profile of the pungent tax increase.

Fierce.

Doesnt take one's 18 cents to realise that hello girls, you are airing in the wrong forum! The forum in question? Cozycot. Members? Cotters. It is more home econ than macroecon. Yes, we feel dissatisfied because the X-hundred dollars gathered in glee pre-election is presently transitting to taxation. Thats Karma for you. Fast and furious on the express train.

Not going to pretend i know alot about politics, i know nuts. But for sure PM Lee does not visit Cozycot. Really no time to. Bush was in town last week. Remember?

Anyways, am not a Lee and since there's no point and no Poon up there, i'm sourcing viable options to voice dissent. Come to think of it, the only Poon i know is...eh...wait, i know there's Someone! Erm, my cousin? XD

Fess up. Either you were a minor last year, or you were from a walkover constituency..if not For Sure you voted PAP. Can you pay the 7% for the two-oh-oh-five minors? Cause we don't have the X-hundred dollars to tide the walkover. And sad to say, STILL at the receiving end of the Karma. Why-oh-why. :D

2006-11-19T02:53:00.000+08:00

Emotions

Well emoted.
Last time the lyrics hit at a resort, whilst on the bed staring up the ceiling.

Then, was expectancy.
This, is way too fast, its a Joke.

Good to see resolution.
Freed from
the swirling split screens.
One sad, one angst ridden, the other helpless.
Last screen shot, a marriage of the three.
Very poignant.

Good luck for exams.

White lies aint have a colour

2006-11-15T17:23:00.000+08:00

Just gave a compulsive liar a piece of my mind. After the words came out, my pulse was racing. I haven shouted at anyone like that before, and it doesnt feel good. After which i scrolled down the phonebook and decided to call a friend. Hung up whilst the dial tone was humming away. What should i say?

So from the usual see-how-it-goes, it becomes deal-with-it. Come to think of it, dispensing advice post-occurence really does not help anymore. We are Always smarter in hindsight, and there is not much to say, except deal-with-it! So from the spurious reasonings (or sponatenous lies shld i say?) too in-your-face truth. Wah, it bloody hurts! Then again, i will still keep my faith. Cause really right now i feel like the flagbearer of Stupidity.

And again, i must reiterate. It sucks.

Scared

2006-11-14T02:23:00.000+08:00

Stringed coincidences on the table are enough to push hopes over the edge. But still, i am still stuck to the belief that it is true. At this point, i would think a string of coincidences can be taken as facts. Say a string of 2? Is it enough? So confused really, to second guess yourself, repeatedly. Its hard to explain this feeling which teeters along the line of hopeful stupidity to wakeup rationality.

So i said a silent prayer in my head. It calmed me down. Not because i have the answers, but because God is good, and He has His time. That is good to know. For sure, disgruntled grunts will echo if His time happens to be not the time i wish for. It will be easy to sing praises to Him when everything is to one's favour. But when it is not? I am not sure if the faith is strong to sustain if a blow comes my way. Cause really this means something to me. But then again. Who knows better.

This feeling is so foreign to the mind.

The target for this year's Children Enrichment camp is 225. Runs for 4 days, 7 to 6. Third year running, my first involvement. Quite frankly because screaming children are a (major) turn off. So by the grace of God, i received a sms from May Ann asking for helpers to come forward. So after a few days thought and a momental muscle spasm, i replied a yes. As an amateur asst teacher helper for the Church's Children Camp. I'll be lying if i say i'm ecstatic. I'm facing it with alot of apprehension. 8 year olds, wow. Not a easy group to handle. Again, this is a step of faith. Yes it is uncomfortable, but somewhere somehow's gotta learn. I just want to make myself useful larh.

Poor heart is working the palpitations again. I'm scared. My nerves are kway-teow fried. :(

You Had The Nerve!!

2006-11-13T00:42:00.000+08:00

It is virtually impossible to contain nerves. The nerves that comes from anxiety that makes sends palpitations and wings on the tummy. My poor heart is really working it! Gosh...I'm so nervous. Actually i meant exclaimation-asterisked maniac nervousness! But lets keep it at a subdued fullstop.

Nervous?.
Yes.
I'm feeling it.
Now.

One step

2006-11-09T22:38:00.000+08:00

my everything - 98 degrees

This song puts me at ease. Of course it seems frivolous. Boybands are frivolous (except U2? But thats not a boyband per se). Everything that emotes in the mv are often cheesy pungent.

BUT! Actually im ignoring the mv, but looking at the lyrics. If you were to look closely, methinks they make good lyrics for hymms! Look at it from THAT perspective and you will see what i mean. :D Maybe we should incorporate some lines. Haha

I feel a sense of inequilibrium now that everything is in limbo. You cant feel the ends, nor gain real ground. Its unnerving. I just hope this is not a joke. Like the kid who paces up down the corridoor thinking about a thousand and one possibilities of the result turnouts. Which still resurfaces a question mark. I will say, see how it goes!

The loneliness of nights alone
the search for strength to carry on
my every hope has seemed to die
my eyes had no more tears to cry
then like the sun shining up above
you surrounded me with your endless love
Cause all the things I couldn't see
are now so clear to me

You are my everything
Nothing your love won't bring
My life is yours alone
The only love I've ever known
Your spirit pulls me through
When nothing else will do
Every night I pray On bended knee
That you will always be My everything

Now all my hopes and all my dreams
are suddenly reality
you've opened up my heart to feel
a kind of love that's truly real
a guiding light that'll never fade
there's not a thing in life that I would ever trade
for the love you give it won't let go
I hope you'll always know
You are my everything

(chorus)
You're the breath of life in me
the only one that sets me free
and you have made my soul complete for all time
(for all time)

Sweat

2006-11-07T00:12:00.000+08:00

Super nervous. Butt is sweating bullocks.

Someday it will come undone

2006-11-04T00:48:00.000+08:00

It is not everyday where verses really jump out of the pages and speak to you.

Here's one that jumped out
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9)

This immediately smoothens out the unease inside. Hope its all for good, though i can't be perfectly certain. Two things beautiful about the verse. "Sufficient" and the juxtaposing "made perfect in weakness". It will turn out fine. Have already imagined the worst scenario. Ain't that bad either. Its the looming shadow of disappointment. Truth to be told, i cannot figure out the big picture, so the comfort of the pillow is the fact the walk through this will make me a stronger person. (but i will very much rather turn out happier, but softer. Heh)

So quoting from my used to abuse line.."see how it goes". :D

Undone

2006-11-01T03:16:00.000+08:00

Murky intentions, or hazy ideas, you can call it. Either way, i really doubt the sincerity that comes with it. Bumptiously rattles on a string of fluent nonsense. Whatever it is. I'll take it at face value.

These are times where i know for sure, He is the only one who has been a constant provider. And that really puts things into perspective. Well right now i can care less for watching my back for it is far better watching my heart by keeping my eyes really just on Him.

True, emotions/feelings are overated. Put it out there it gets trampled, put it in cold storage it gets freezed, thaw it, and it becomes lukewarm. It's better to ration it, cause i'm pretty sure Sincerity killed the cat as well.

Ramblings

2006-10-27T00:26:00.000+08:00

Life is just unfair for some people. They have bad recurrences that just keeps coming hot on their heels but they keep fighting back. As much as im in awe of their resilience, i also feel injusticed for them. I don't think they want others to sympathetize with their plight though. So i'm just impressed, fully impressed with them. It makes me think like how many things that i fret about really is damn trivial and selfish.

Actually, not daring to love is selfish itself. I always thought it was because the fear of losing your safety blanket yeap but apparently Sb read me something the other day which debunks what i orginally thought. Well anyways, its something i never realised.

Which brings me to the point of you cannot really believe everything said or heard cause people are random in general. Something along the lines of contemplating worse-case scenario in every scenario. Its pathetic and its sad and its pessimisstic. Hmm, but it also feels safer inside that you have thought about how failure comes before it coming, so the feeling may not be so raw when you feel it.

and then really after all i have been told, i have no idea what to believe. Everything is so here there and in the air, and confusing. pff.

This coming week is cell, im supposed to lead. Haven't been to cell for ages, so far from God and i'm not looking forward to it. Cause its a very strange feeling. Basically, like that of a major fraud case.
How do you put that in words.

Good mood

2006-10-22T23:11:00.000+08:00

I'm just in a fantabulous mood today and decided to come right here and write this down. Count your blesssings they say right. Woo. See the mood is so darn good that i'm okay about compiling the report and the slides, which also means aligning and clicking on word count to rejoice in 3-word count reduction. (and 200 odd more to go). I don't mind!

Besides today i passed a fountain that squirts water in projectiles. And usually i'll roll my eyes wondering why for the love of pete, are those people over there admiring water squirts man?? Rolls 2 more centimetres backwards if they block my path in the process. But today having the good mood, i thought thank goodness for Physics that we can see such. Such graceful watersquirts! Sounds very incredulous, this new found level of appreciation. It rained bullocks today, and the wet soil was squishy enough for the snails to come out and breathe. And yeap, i smiled at the snails, and thought.."aww..what cute snails we have crawling in the soil....awww..are they chewing on that blade of grass for dinner...awwww."

Gee! I sound really whacked. -_-

Projects Powerpoint Presentation Perfect. Pfffff

2006-10-21T21:24:00.001+08:00

Life is very ho-hum. Nothing absolutely blithsome to jump to. Only, the jacks. But calf-cramps make up good incentive to forget about the whole jumping jacks thing.

Scratch head moment came when i saw the skinny ginormous snowman that sits looking at the riverpath/stream/sea that seperates harbour front from sentosa. Can't miss the snowman, it is fairly conspicuous. Now i just noticed that we have many structures that overlooks various water sources. Sir Stamford and Merlion makes it two. I dont understand what statement this ellipsoid snowman is trying to paint per se. Maybe something like the strength of overcoming the tropical odds. Odd, a little bit cheesy la. But, its pretty cute for something that huge.

Anyways, the Straits ran an article on the 5 artsy structures at Vivocity where snowboy is. I appreciate the commentary and the way the government is diffusing art in various aspects. So to spur our arty juicies the articles poses a question for the public to meditate on...we could think "Like what the snowman is thinking about looking at the Merlion across the river."

What??!. That threw it off tangent a little.
Hmm.."i like your lazer eyes?"

Haha..I'm bored!!

Offlandish?

2006-10-16T07:37:00.000+08:00

Just had a hogtied moment trying to solve a petty problem I couldnt solve. Rewind a bit to an atypical project moment, perplexingit was, trying to put your ideas across in exact replica to your Big Ideas. It started with small civilised hand movements, then soon we were gesticulating like madass gibbons at Mos. (the burger, not the ministry.heh) Inthe end we lost our patience in the finger airdance and decided yeah it is better to go old school chart drawing. And still we couldnt be on the same page.

Beats me man. Could be some ear filter or the sentence structure just doesnt appease the senses or what. Granted we finally flipped together on the same page, and started to bob on the same wavelength. Had to stifle a grin, picturing how ridiculous it may appear to the stray cat that was bumming around the side shrubs, "funny those white hairless apes". It just Proves that Meaning is in the person themself. Takes time and effort to understand. :)

Fyi, that was accounting project. No wonder accountants dont bother to talk. hahaha